Doctor of Psychology, the first batch of registered psychologists and registered supervisors of the Clinical Psychology Registration Committee of the Chinese Psychological Association, the director of the Research and training Center of Adolescent Mental Health Education of East China normal University, and the off-campus mentor of graduate students majoring in applied psychology in the Graduate School of East China normal University.
30 years of psychological counseling, training and coaching experience, author of "Psychology (Senior High School Book for students, Book for Teachers)" (recommended by the School Psychology Committee of the Chinese Psychological Association), "Mental Health Education for College students" (the Eleventh five-year Plan textbook for General higher Education) and so on.
Do you label your partner?
In the parent-child relationship, many parents like to label their children, such as stupid, not serious and so on.
With the popularization of psychology and pedagogy, more and more parents realize that this behavior will have a negative impact on the growth of their children and begin to modify it consciously.
However, few people notice that similar problems also occur in intimate relationships and unwittingly cause harm to partners and relationships.
What do you mean by labeling?
Any external judgment can be called labeling, which is what we often do, especially for more intimate partners.
I often hear people open their mouth about what the other person is doing, and some people will even criticize each other's performance, and then ask me directly, "do you think there is something wrong with this person from a psychological point of view?"
Obviously, he has labeled the other party as having a problem.
I don't think labeling is necessarily bad, but there are a few things to pay attention to:
First, does this label have to be correct?
Some people will say, how can it be incorrect? I am telling the truth.
When he comes home every day, he either looks at his mobile phone or plays games, isn't he lazy? She never considers other people's feelings when she speaks, isn't it because she has low EQ?
It is true from your point of view and by your standards, but what about thinking about others?
The wife accused her husband of being unmotivated, saying that he had been in the same position for more than ten years, did not earn a lot of money, did not get promoted, and had no prospect at all.
But in the eyes of outsiders, her husband loves your work, has the spirit of craftsman, and is an advanced model for everyone to learn.
The wife's so-called lack of progress is the dedication in the eyes of others, from different angles, the conclusions are also different.
The husband thought his wife was slow-tempered and cited a lot of "evidence of guilt":
Let her not buy a house all the time, as a result, the house price soared; let her switch to the new media, she said to think again, as a result, her friend acted vigorously and now earns one million dollars a month & hellip;&hellip.
However, what the husband did not say is:
When the stock rose sharply, he wanted to buy it all, and his wife said that he had successfully avoided the bear market. His son was considered by the teacher to have ADHD, and he was in a hurry to treat him. His wife insisted on waiting, and found that it was the teacher's over-interpretation.
Slowness is also beneficial. It is not a weakness that the husband thinks, but a trait of the wife.
Second, is this label eternal?
Some people can remain flexible and change at any time after tagging their partner, but some people think that the other person is like this at this time and will always be the same.
When the child was born, the husband did not enter the role of father and had little participation in the affairs of the child. The wife was greatly dissatisfied and accused her husband of being irresponsible.
As the children grow up, the husband becomes aware of the change in role and wants to try to do what he can.
But his wife decided that he was irresponsible and couldn't do a good job, so she shut him out. Hearing what his wife said, the husband thought he couldn't do it, so he gave up.
This also reinforces the wife's view of her husband: see, am I right? you are an irresponsible person.
Third, is this label all he has?
When you see something with a certain height and legs that you can sit on, you may blurt out: stool, because it is very consistent with our concept of stool.
But in fact, that's not what it's all about.
When life is threatened, it can be used as a weapon; when it is cold, it can be used as firewood.
If we cling to the concept of stool, we will limit our thinking and do not know the other aspects of it.
The purpose of this example is to illustrate.
Any label only describes a certain part of a person, not necessarily all of him.
After tagging the other person, you may lose some of your interaction with him, because you think that's what he is, and you can't see the rest.
The husband doesn't like washing dishes, so his wife gives him a lazy label.
In addition to the above questions.
The process of labeling is very much like a trial, one side is a judge or referee, and if you give a judgment to the other half, the other side will think, ah, what qualification do you have to judge me?
This feeling is very bad.
Behind the label is the projection of the self.
Labeling may be inaccurate, ignore development and change, or it may be incomplete, eventually causing harm to your partner and relationship.
Why are there still so many people who can't help but label it?
There is a psychological mechanism called projection behind the labeling. we separate our unwanted judgments from within and put them into the outside world.
For example, people who like to control often feel that the world is full of control, just like in an intimate relationship, couples often compete for control and accuse each other of loving control.
But in fact,