Her husband is very kind to her and does a good job in her career. Why is she always delusional and worried that there is something wrong with their marriage? Why is it that the man who was desperate to believe is not worth trusting at all now? Why do you always live with fear in a marriage that everyone thinks should be a happy match?
By Wang Junhua / tr. by Phil Newell).
Can you believe such a person?
In the eyes of many people, Junlan is beautiful and generous, elegant and elegant, like its name, just like a gentleman orchid with elegant manners. She told me that in fact, there is a kind of Tianyi lotus in orchids: yellow flowers, round heads, lotus petals, vegetarian hearts, no miscellaneous colors, are the treasures of orchids.
Junlan's husband is called Tianyi. So when they met, they both believed that it was God's plan for them to be together. Tianyi is magnanimous and has great business acumen. He set up the company in the second year after graduating from university. Now, more than a decade later, his company has done a lot of things. Junlan does not go to work after she is pregnant. In the eyes of her friends, she is a happy wife who "does not touch the spring water with ten fingers." But when her son was in the third grade of primary school, she went to work again.
The reason for going to work is that Junlan can't accept that Tianyi is always on a business trip. When she is at home alone, she will imagine all kinds of scenes of her husband having an affair. If her husband is at home, she is even more upset because she wants to "wait on him." But the fatal thing is that after going out to work, as long as her husband is away on a business trip for more than 3 days, Junlan will still be delusional.
But business trips are a common occurrence in Tianyi. What should I do? In desperation, Junlan came to my consulting room. After telling my story, I asked her to slow down, enter her "wishful thinking" experience, and connect with her body to be aware of what thoughts and images were inside. She sat across from me, closed her eyes and said intermittently: "Freedom, relaxation & hellip;… doing his own thing & hellip;… he has a wonderful and vast world outside, but I think he is a stranger & hellip;… he hung up in a hurry, I was dejected & hellip;… he has many temptations outside, but there is nothing I can do about it & hellip;… I am so stupid, too worthless & hellip;&hellip. "it was such an inner play that was staged and switched in Junlan's heart over and over again, keeping her awake all night.
Junlan said that this feeling of unsteadiness began when Tianyi opened his mouth and told lies. For example, he did not want to attend the classmate reunion, but would not tell the truth, so he made a fake phone call and told others, "I'd love to, but I'm not in Beijing." Junlan said that she occasionally needs an excuse to reject someone, and Tianyi always provides N reasons that sound good.
"can I trust such a person?" Junlan asked me. Instead of answering directly, I asked her, "you need to make excuses sometimes, don't you?" "I am only occasionally, and he is often," she said. " That's why she doubted what her husband said to her. For example, she was full of doubts when he said he was too busy on a business trip to do anything wrong to her. When she received a call from a woman, she said he was an employee, but she didn't believe it either. Although she didn't go so far as to check her mobile phone or check the post, Junlan often pretended to ask Tianyi some questions unintentionally and asked someone she was familiar with as an insider, but in the end she gave up halfway because she was afraid that she would be exposed and would not be able to clean up in the end.
In short, over the years, Junlan's trust in Tianyi has been endangered like spider silk. She was afraid that there would be no place to die in the future, so she kept adding to herself: to be diligent and independent so that she could "turn around gorgeously" when she had to & hellip;…, but when she did so, she felt too tired and worried that she would fall down one day. .
From stupid letter to nothing.
After listening to Junlan's story and feelings, I asked her to represent him and Tianyi with two dolls, and showed her a picture of how she put her attention and sovereignty on Tianyi, and how a little bit of trouble in his place caused an uproar with her; how she was ready to turn around and how it would affect their relationship. After saying this, I asked her, "is it time for you to focus on yourself and put sovereignty in your own hands?"
Junlan nodded after a moment of silence. at the same time, her inner insecurity and the issue of her original family relationship gradually surfaced.
It turned out that Junlan lived in a family where his parents quarreled every day. His father would beat and scold his mother when he was drunk, and his mother would always cry and be patient. This made Junlan doubt whether there was really a good marriage from an early age, and at the same time, she also learned how to deal with contradictions from her mother: endure again and again-intolerable-break out-destroy the relationship. For example, at the age of 14, she took the initiative to change her name from "Junlan" to "Junlan". "Junlan" was started by a father who had been a soldier, and the father was furious when he learned that his daughter had changed her name, but she still persevered. Because "my father has always been very strict with me and never affirmed me." If I don't change my name, he will hit me in other ways, too. "
What Junlan did not expect is that she unwittingly brought her childhood feelings, ideas and even decisions into her marriage.
After recalling my childhood experience, I asked Junlan to return to the issue of trust, because the problem with her and her husband was on trust. She asked me or said to herself, "I can choose to doubt him or trust him before I prove that he is untrustworthy in marriage." After all, it was because of trust that I decided to marry him in the first place. " After a pause, she added: "when I got married, I also had a feeling of betting my youth on tomorrow."